Saved A Million Times

There are days when you have to climb a mountain, cross deserts and bear alone the burden on your shoulders.  In those times it is only a blessing that there is someone to talk to. They will not walk the walk for you or carry your burden but their support or just to have them there means a lot. And the worry and fear of climbing the mountain goes away. And you know for sure that everything will be alright in the end.

Somehow my mind’s capacity to process stops when it has to think of the painful realities. I want to shut all doors and windows and lie down, tucked in my blanket. I want my mind to create an alternate reality where life is without problems.

I fake a life that is seen through a filter with which I cannot see things that are sad or things that are hard. Rather than facing all such things I only see the rainbows and butterflies. But when I go to bed at night my brain tired of all this stressful work gives up and everything comes to me all at once with greater force. I am unable to calm myself or fool myself this time. And I feel life leaving me slowly and my body heavy with fear, grief, and sorrow is left to suffer. I would want to get up to feel alive but I have no power in my muscle. I wait for someone to bring me back to life. I can’t cry or say anything. I just lie lost in the horrifying labyrinth that is born out of my tricks with which I tried to lure myself.

It is like a tangled ball of thread that I, rather untying node by node, hid it and now its strangling me. I want to be free out of this mesh of pain, sorrow and fear and fly out my way through this labyrinth but only if I knew how.

As I sink beneath the wave now wishing to die, I see light, a hand that reaches out for me. Holds me close and comforts me. It saves me every day, gives me courage to fight my way out, and then leaves. And no matter how many times I give up on myself, he never does.

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